God Hates Tim Tebow. Or, Another Boob In The Super Bowl.

Last modified on 2010-02-03 06:49:47 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

Oh wait, that’s me who hates Tim Tebow, God hates Fags.

GQ, God's Quarterback

I don’t hate Tim Tebow because he’s a pontificating Christian evangelist who likes to preach to us via his guy-liner or because he has a thing for uncircumcised asian boys.  I’m more tolerant than that. My hatred for him is for a better, more profound reason. My friend Lisa and I attended the BCS national college football championship game in Phoenix in 2007 when then-freshman Tebow was responsible for 14 of the 41 points scored by Florida. In the humiliating shellacking that day, my previously undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes were  denied their preordained destiny as national champions. The final score in Tebow’s coming out party: 41-14. That’s why I hate him.

And now the crybaby, has-been quarterback  is at the center of a Super Bowl commercial controversy. In what I suspect will be the only way he ever makes it to the Super Bowl, he and his mom Pam will star in an advocacy ad for Focus On The Family, a group founded by crazy James Dobson. Even Rosta’s Cafe favorite, Gloria Allred, is getting in on the action.

Prior to this firestorm, Focus On The Family (just focused on families they approve of that is) was probably best known for Dobson’s position that Sponge Bob is Gay. In fact, he’s a Gay activist. He has, after all, been seen holding hands with Patrick the Starfish.

Bob and Pactrick clearly on Gay-cation. Key West I presume.

The Super Bowl, even in the age of DVRs, is still the place where the audience isn’t just tuned in to what’s happening between the goal lines… they stay tuned in to the commercials. With an estimated 99.2% audience retention during commercial breaks this time is a marketer’s gold. These 30 second spots have long been both contested and coveted.

But not since the 2004 MTV Tit-uation has CBS found itself in such a controversial position with advertisers. This is the first year (in which CBS will air the Super Bowl) that they have accepted advocacy advertising. It was also in 2004 that CBS rejected this ad for the United Church of Christ as too controversial because the church, which welcomes everyone, featured Gay couples. Last year NBC rejected a Pro-Life ad featuring an Obama doppelganger fetus and a PETA ad featuring hot chicks humping veggies.

Being rejected can be a good thing, a real publicity bonanza. Especially when you probably don’t really have the extra $2 or $3 million to spend anyway. This ad for a dating site for cheating couples got lots of buzz for being rejected in 2004. This year’s ManCrunch ad for a Gay dating site was rejected because it might offend some straight folks. I’m guessing ManCrunch probaby had three lonely guys signed up before this year’s gift of being rejected by CBS put them in the mix. It looks like it cost about five hundred bucks to make. Nice return on that investment. I’m glad the Super Bowl ad time is now sold out. God forbid CBS take an ad that might offend people who hate Arabs that date or people with herpes.

Now that the floodgates of advertising hell have been opened by both CBS and the Supreme Court, I have some suggestions for some advocacy ads. How about this spot for National Vangauard? They seem cool. And I think this astounding music video could be cut into a really eye-popping, toe-tapping 30 second advocacy spot (for what I’m not sure) as well.

So this year I won’t TiVo past Tebow. And I’ll be anxious to see if facebook voters bring back the Clydesdales. Even if these iconic giant horses don’t score well with Budweiser’s target audience who generally prefer tits, ass and sophomoric frat-boy humor (I’m a fan too, at least of the last two). Like me, the Clydesdales have rarely missed a Super Bowl. They can inspire or make us smile and in 2002 they even brought a tear to my eye with this beautiful ad. They always remind me of a time when good old American football was far less complicated for brands and fans. That now seems like a time long ago.

That's my dad on the right, with his sister Mary, the Budweiser distributor, and the world famous Clydesdales across the street from Rosta's Cafe.

Pat Robertson Is The Lowest Form Of Life

Last modified on 2010-01-13 21:40:43 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

As the brave and resilient people of Haiti face yet another heartbreaking moment in their troubled history, The Right Reverend Douche Bag, Pat Robertson, blames the catastrophe on the impoverished country’s PACT WITH THE DEVIL, and he suggests that maybe now they’ll learn a lesson! Robertson says it with a straight face as he asks his audience to send him money for an earthquake relief effort.

Douche Bag

Today’s inane on-air segment from Robertson’s 700 Club is reminiscent of the one where he and the now-dead-piece-of-shit Jerry Fallwell blamed the attacks of September 11 on Gays, Lesbians and anyone else they hated. Good Christians eh? Where, exactly did these losers get their “Reverend” credentials anyway?

Guns N’ Wizards

Last modified on 2010-01-14 00:04:13 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

As word of  Jayson Williams plea deal in the accidental shooting death of his chauffeur hits the news, the law is taking aim at another NBA star, Washington Wizard, Gilbert Arenas.

Inked Arenas

Unlike Williams, who’s trouble happened at home (probably after a few shots of courage and  the reckless flash of  firearm), Arenas brought his hardware to the job at DC’s Verizon Center. Gilbert, like many professional athletes, has to be nervous about his own security…I mean at only 6′4″ and 215lbs, he’s gotta be a real target for would-be muggers. Makes sense to me. And besides, I think all pro athletes have gone through the Plaxico Burress firearm training seminar.

So what’s the problem with a gun at work? Isn’t a fully armed nation the goal of the NRA? The easing of gun laws in places like Georgia, where having a gun at a bar or on the bus is totally cool, means that, thankfully, we can finally rest easy in places like the church pew because even our clergy can now be packin’ in the pulpit.

This is how you get some respect!

I noticed that Disney On Ice was also scheduled for the Verizon Center later this month.

Shouldn’t all the talent bring some heat to the arena? It’d be more fun. Who cares if Snow White takes a spill while attempting a double Salchow? Put a cap in her ass and watch her drop like this guy drops Mickey. Now that’s entertainment.

I’m also happy to see that kids are standing up for their right to bear arms at schools from Las Vegas, NV to Sacramento and Alhambra, CA, to Baltimore, MD and Milwaukee, WI. So let’s arm the teachers too. Then, of course,  the classroom will be a much safer environment. Just show the little gun slingers this NRA safety flick for kids…or bring this guy in for a safety demo. After all, we don’t just want the bad guys to be armed.

Why should he be the only guy with a gun?

Yeah, I like the idea of guns everywhere. I mean when I take my next trip (oh, and check out this nifty concealed weapon trip planner) to see my mother and her friends at the assisted living facility, I’ll make sure I thank her for helping me understand at an early age that its my RIGHT to bear arms. God forbid the government goes rogue or something…I’m gonna be prepared to fight back…even if they hit me with one of these, At least I’ll have a fighting chance to stay free damn it because I’ll have a pistol, just like our founding fathers planned it.

So thanks Gilbert…You’re an American Role Model.

Me (l) with my brother Tony (r). A well regulated Militia.

Tiger, Elin, Rachel Or Mark; Who’s Got The Best Hand To Play In This $1 Billion Dollar Game?

Last modified on 2009-12-07 20:00:17 GMT. 6 comments. Top.

Tiger Woods, by many counts is the richest, most recognized athlete in the world. According to Forbes, Tiger is the first sports figure in history to hit the $1 Billion career earnings mark. In the last 12 months, he earned over $100 million dollars…and almost all of that was in sponsorship deals.

And why do you suppose that is? Tiger may be the best ever at his sport. He’s a winner, no question there. And everyone loves a winner.  But he’s also bubbling over with the kind of brand attributes that make advertisers salivate. He crosses demographics, White guys, Black guys, Asian guys, young guys, older guys…they all see him as one of their own…he’s got that “every man” appeal. Kinda like Obama. He plays a rich man’s game and thats aspirational…so check off “aspirational” too. Advertisers love aspiration. Then there’s that “nerd quality” that makes women swoon. So cute, yet so attainable. He works across gender lines as well. And last but not least, Tiger seems solid, hard working, dependable; qualities of every real American success story. Perfect.

And now with the exchange of a phone number, the swing of a nine iron (that’s the one I woulda picked) and the crunch of a free car fender (I’m sure the Escalade’s the least of what he got when GM ended their multi-year deal with Tiger a year early), its all up in the air. And if you believe Wanda Sykes version of Thanksgiving night at the Woods mansion (that’s Wesley Snipes former house to the left of Tiger’s which is in the center)…

…there’s sure to be more trouble ahead. The fender-bender may have happened in Windermere, FL, but the impact was felt hard in Beaverton, OR, Chicago, IL and Dallas, TX, headquarters for Nike, Gatorade and AT&T respectively. And with a billion dollars at stake from players like those, rest assured, these players are going to have to bring the “A” game.

And right out-a-the-gate, Mark Steinberg, Tiger’s Uber-Agent at IMG jumps into action.

IMG Agent Mark Steinberg and Tiger Woods

The AP reported that… “troopers were en route to Woods’ $2.4 million mansion in the gated community of Isleworth when agent Mark Steinberg called dispatch and was put through to the troopers, telling them Woods and his wife were unavailable.” This guys on the radio in the patrol car with the officers “en route” to Tiger’s house basically saying “no comment”. If this story is right…amazing! I would love to have seen it from the IMG offices. And he’s still behind the wheel. Today he told CNBC that Tiger is done. Done talking to the Authorities, have a nice day and leave us alone. So Mark Steinberg is earning his fee. So far he’s in it to win it…I give him better than even odds.

And then there’s the other pro in this game. Rachel Uchitel. The alleged “other woman”. Now, Tiger, Ray Charles could have seen this coming. If, as has been “reported” by the National Enquirer, it all came down like this. Rachel is obviously not a woman who doesn’t recognize a moment of opportunity. Otherwise Gloria Allred wouldn’t have had this touching moment with Rachel at LAX today. In what is , so far, my favorite piece of Tiger video. So Rachel’s in it to win it as well. But remember Rachel, today’s sensation can become yesterday’s news real fast. Just ask that other handsome, hard-working nerd Eliot Spitzer and what’s her name…

I’m gonna say that Rachel ends up with somewhere in the neighborhood of a Gillette deal, $10 to $20 million, to go away. It would be well worth it. It all seems so familiar.

But if I were in this game, the hand I would want is Elin Woods’. And Elin, I hope you know just how good your hand is. You are the one player in this high stakes drama that  doesn’t have to live in a world of demographics or brand attributes. So I wish you the best and hope your world doesn’t end up being bought for the price of a diamond…and certainly not one from Zales.

Although, if I were you Tiger, I’d get Jane Seymore on the phone…she may have seen your future.

We’ll see how it all plays out. But one thing’s for sure already; the only beat-down, worse than the ALLEGED beat down that Tiger MIGHTA caught is going to be the one Accenture’s Ad placement agency is gonna get because of this.

Best-of-Show Tiger Video

Last modified on 2009-12-20 21:54:09 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

If you haven’t already seen this…take a look. Its from a Chinese news service. They probably have to animate because they have no agreements with other news outlets for sharing footage. Or maybe this is just the way they like to present a “fair and balanced” look at  the news. This is now my new favorite Tiger video.

Happy Pearl Harbor Day Sarah…oh wait, its not 1941 anymore?!

Last modified on 2009-12-20 21:53:22 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

According to this story, it looks like Sarah prefers a spud to a rice bowl. I am, however, more than willing to believe that her dad is just Dim Some.

Dumb in the dorm.

“Somethin’s Meltin’”…or, “Will Mr. Squiggles be the new Cheetah?”

Last modified on 2009-12-07 22:32:45 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

It got a little cold in New York yesterday. All this talk about climate change gives me a shudder. And, I have to admit, part of me likes the idea of warmer winters. I mean, I don’t really remember what the temperature was last week…but all I know is I was not wearing my old down coat…and I liked it. I’m just sayin’.

Somethin's Meltin'

So everyone’s off to Copenhagen for the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change (and if you’re there, heres some helpful info that you’re not gonna find in the conference guide, thank me later).

It all seems to be taking place under a dark (probably CO2) cloud of scandal: Climategate!

Fox is all over this scandal. They are reporting on the hacked emails from The University of East Anglia (huh?) at every turn and accusing the “mainstream media”, which I guess Fox is not part of, of both distorting and ignoring the scandal. The emails, they say, prove that climate change is a hoax. The right wing blogesphere is all a twitter with the possibility that the Climate change convention will be a bust because of it. And the scandal hasn’t escaped notice in Copenhagen either. If this conversation about who is censoring what sounds familiar, just look back at how the Bush Administration was accused of pretty much the same thing by countless news organizations in the last term.

Now I’m one who believes more in money, power and the agendas they breed than coincidences. So it seemed a little too Convenient of a Truth that this scandal breaks out on the eve of the most important climate meeting ever without good measures of both. So I turned to Rush for some guidance…and I think I got it.

Rush has this to say about AL Gore and Climategate. Toward the bottom of the page, if you want to learn more Rush suggests some reading and sends folks to Climate Depot for a “news” update.Climate Depot (not to be confused with former MTV’er Sarah Beatty’s  very cool new store Green Depot) from the looks of this site, seems like something put together by an average Joe The Blogger who just cares ’bout Amurhica. But if you look closely, its a project of  CFACT. And if you check CFACT out just a little, you see that they are heavily  funded by Exxon. Now there’s a concerned party…with money and power…and  a lot to lose. Just like our friends from Saudi Arabia who also seem very concerned about Climategate.

So I don’t know…bout the sience or the politics. All I know is this. While I like the warmer weather…I also miss the snow.

That's me in Zanesville, I'm probably about ten and that's a few feet of snow.

So what’s the big deal? If the vast majority of scientists on this earth say shit is melting and, as MSNBC’s Jeff Corwin reports in his amazing Future Earth series, one out of every five species on the planet may become extinct in the next 20 years…what’s the big deal in responding? Worst thing that happens is the air gets cleaner, a few frogs see the next decade and jobs are created in a whole new Green Industry.

But if we choose to ignore it because the people with the most to loose tell us to, then maybe Mr Squiggles and other mechanical toys like him will just have to be as close as we’ll ever get to a real living Cheetah. But be careful what you wish for, these little China dolls aren’t without their own toxic downside.

The new wildlife

Not-So-Sharpie

Last modified on 2009-12-21 16:16:22 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Always the victim, Sarah Palin had to cut-and-run her vacation short because of an ill-advisor-ed fashion slip. I mean are you really so stupid, so tacky or so cheap that you took a magic marker to an old hat and wore it out in public? I guess she kept ALL the clothes from the campaign, even the promotional swag. Well you can be certain that this beauty queen wouldn’t be caught dead wearing old campaign gear….You bettah WORK GIRL!

Storm Warning: Lady Gaga Cheney

Last modified on 2009-12-21 16:19:24 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

While this weekend brought a Nor’easter of record proportions to New England, it seems that, sadly, the biggest casualty of  some other form of white stuff may have dropped like a snow angel in Hollywood.

Brittany Murphy

Back on the East Coast, the snow storm provided a perfect “hook”  to report on the Health Care “snow job” coming down simultaneously in Washington for journalists from the New York Times and Fox News. It was low-hanging, frost-bitten fruit.

I too was tempted to do a “2009 snow-job” round up…

Any 2009 snow job recap of liars and crooks might mention the hypocritical Promise Keepers of C-street: Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford. Who are, frankly, no less hypocritical than the reptilian John Edwards. But to be honest, I couldn’t care less about who any of them are banging.

Crazy Orly

The biggest snow jobs of 2009 would probably also include those wacky snow-blower-hards: The Birthers. Lead by the certifiable Birther Queen, Orly Taitz, from (get the audacity of dope here) the former Soviet Union.

These wack jobs spend countless hours scouring the internet for some “proof” that Obama can be impeached because he’s really a Muslim from Kenya. And while their brand of crazy is certainly disconcerting…

I’m more concerned about the biggest, smartest and best liar of 2009, Liz Cheney. This evil spawn spent her time on TV giving  tacit support to fringe groups like the birthers and trying to rewrite history as it related to the sins of her father. And all the while she defends the indefensible with a Gaga-like poker face.

So be warned: this storm is just getting started and is sure to take a big dump on all of us soon. Lady Cheney, like her father before her, seems determined to Keep America Scared through her website. Which looks conspicuously like a campaign site to me.

Lady Gaga Cheney